November 14th 2010
I should have read the warning signs more carefully. Vaguely wondered why there were only two services towards Glasgow on this day Sunday and why the first required my changing at Crewe. There was a direct train to Carlisle sometime after three in the afternoon but as that would have got me to Dumfries after eight and required a taxi from DMF I decided that a 15 minute wait at Crewe wasn’t too much of a trial and so book for the 9.45.
As I walk from the ticket hall having been told by a helpful Virgin staffer to head for Coach E for unreserved although there will be no problems “ On that one”, I wonder quite what he meant. At that moment the platform for the 9.45 to WBQ is announced and it continues, “Passengers wishing to continue their journey north should board a connecting coach service for their onward journey...”
Cunts. I’ve been outflanked again. There was nothing on the website about engineering or coaches.
No one is checking tickets at the barrer for “this service”. In fact a squad of red shirts is coming up the ramp as I walk down. On the platform a guy in a wheel chair is talking to his mobility driver who is consulting a sheet that reads ‘WHAT IS HAPPENING TO DAY.” – Statement not question. The guy in the chair is learning that there is no train service to Barrow, his intended destination having changed at Lancaster for which he had arranged assistance. He is adamant that a coach from Warrington Bank Quay will be no use to him. He confirms that there was nothing on the website about engineering. I listen for a while, offering moral support and hoping for clarification, until I hear the amiable mobility guy say something about ‘tomorrow’ and I realise this is a complete cluster fuck.
Is there some significance to my being told to change at Crewe? We’ll have to see if the On-board Manager appears once he had has taken all the First Class upgrade payments. Meanwhile Isaac, our Onboard Customer Service Manager or whatevvuh (Are there ‘Off Board Catering Managers’?) has announced that he will be unable to accept credit or debit card payments and owing to a technical difficulty ( not a ‘problem’) he will be unable to serve cappucino or lattes and asks us to accept his sincere apologies for any inconvenience caused. Sounds a nice lad.
Thick fog in the Chilterns. Now emerging into a mellow damp autumn day, crawling through the outskirts of Bletchley as the manager approaches
He’s a friendly but weary bassethound of a man who advises those who have been instructed to change at Crewe to do as sugggested, presuming that for destinations north of Preston we will take a different route, by-passing the blocked line. We shall see.
Bletchley?
We are now stationary in a cutting. 10.25. 10.28. We have slid off gain and, gathering speed, a recorded female voice announces very firmly that “We are now entering Milton Keynes” and advises us if we see “any suspicious items or behaviour, to inform a member of staff or police”.
“On Armistice Day the Philharmonic will play
But the songs that they sing will be sad
Shuffling brown tunes
Hanging around
No long-drawn, blown- out excuses were made
When I needed a friend she was there
Just like an easy chair
Armistice Day, Armistice Day
Ooh, I’m weary from waiting..”
The Northamptonshire countryside rolls by outside. It’s a beautiful day. Silvery grey sheen on root crops .
We pause at Rugby sometime before 11.00. At 10.59 the Guard invites everyone to observe the two-minute silence. Adding that we are scheduled to stay here until 11.08
Armistice Day, Armistice Day
11.20 Guard comes on the tannoy and announces he has been informed that now all customers travelling north of Preston should continue to WBQ and catch the bus because the connection we were due to catch at Crewe, going via Manchester is ‘very busy.’
“Hop on the bus, Gus. You don’t need to discuss much...”
I need to know how this will affect my connection at Carlisle so I go the Guard’s booth by the shop in Coach C but only Isaac is there. He tells me the Guard is at the rear of the train. I don’t know how long it will be till we reach Crewe and options close so I hurry back dwon the train, being thrown repeatedly against the hard plastic wings on the seat backs with the swaying of the train. I’ll have a few bruises tonight. Why hasn’t the man bloody well come down to see if we have questions ?
Finally at the end of Coach G in First Class, virtually empty, I reach a dead end where a catering girl is serving drinks from a trolley but there is no sign of our ‘Manager’. She kindly goes to look in the galley beyond and there is our robustly built guard wiping crumbs from his mouth. He bustles out and very assiduously checks the timetables for me. It turns out the connection at Crewe taking people northwards is only a Voyager with just four carriages. For fuck’s sake! What kind of planning is that? Anyway he advises me that if I take the bus connection to Preston I should get in to Carlisle at ten to three or so, with more time to spare than if I were to go via Crewe as planned which allows only twelve minutes margin to catch the DMF train.
Well, that should be all right, then. Just the chaos at WBQ to look forward to now. How long on the bus to Preston?
FUCK FUCK FUCK. I HATE THIS! MAY THEY DIE SCREAMING AND BURN IN ETERNAL DARKNESS.
11.56 Crewe. A lot of people are getting off anyway. H’mm.
At WBQ, the train proves to be quite empty and a small, stalwart band of customers board the bus from Preston when it appears. It smells damp and musty as if it’s been in a garage unused for a while. Bonnie mother and cute daughter opposite me in train sit behind me. Lassie proceeds excitedly to poke me with her feet unaware that she is prodding my arse. Her mother remonstrates and I say, I hope she’s going to continue to sing help us pass the time. A few chorusses of “The wheels on the bus go round, round, round..” go round, round round. Then she starts prodding me again till I reach behind and grab her toes. She blushes pink and turns to texting. It turns out it will take not twenty five minutes to get to Preston but an hour and twenty five minutes, calling via Wigan. I resin myself to this and think no more till a lifetime later as we crawl through the northern- western?- suburbs of Wigan, I recognise where we tried ot have breakfast with L and L last year and that it is a year to the day since the via dolorosa from Bolton to Wigan and the train fuck up THAT day. AND I have a hangover again. Departing Warrington we drove between two banks of dark pregnant cloud, battleship grey on the west, slate blue on the east. As we hit countryside there’s a wheezing squeak of arthritic windscreen wipers as rains spatters the picture windscreen.
The sun is shining again at Preston as we arrive on schedule. 14.10. There I find the next train for Carlisle is 14.42 which will get me in almost exactly at the time I should have been arriving in Dumfries. This will leave me waiting for the next train to Dumfries until 19.10- arriving at 19.50. So I may as well have caught the afternoon train after all- even though the website was probably wrong about that... What was that about “trying to get the Glasgow train to wait a few minutes” I heard as we pulled out of WBQ?
CUNTS
The train is virtually empty so I get a table seat an’ all with no problem. The Scots ‘manageress’ gives me a wry look when when I explain my problem. She confirms that I will have a wait at Carlisle and with a level gaze says "You’ll have to take that up with them at Carlisle." We arrive on time about 16.50. I go to the Customer Service office where I am told I’ll have to take it up with the Team Leader who, I am not surprised to learn, will be behind that little blue door ducked away on Platform 4. “Just tell him what you’ve told me,” she says.
I do just that. He says that he can’t do anything because he hasn’t received any information about crowded trains from higher up so he has not authority to provide taxis, for instance. Interestingly I haven’t mentioned taxis. I ask why he doesn’t phone to se if there is an update. He says there is not point because they would have let him know.” “What if they didn’t?” “That wouldn’t happen.” “That’s assuming the company works efficiently, which evidently it does not. So why not satisfy my curiosity.” There’s no point. They will just ask what I’m going on about.” This conversation goes around the houses several times. At one point he says “The best I can do is-‘ and he reaches a for a Customer Comment (Don’t you just love it. Not “Complaint” because that assumes the Comment would be negative.”) Form. I say I already have a bagful with me from previous trips. Eventually as the red mist starts to descend I have to leave before I become irate. I will stick at irritated for the time being while contemplating a three hour wait at Carlisle on a Sunday afternoon in November.
CUNTS
RETURN
Saturday 20th November
When I check the website on Friday evening, my heart sinks to see ‘3 changes’ on the schedule. With deadening predictability we have to change at Preston and Crewe. Only after searching around for some time do I find a reference to engineering between WBQ and Wigan NE. No ref to coaches however. Simply ‘alteration to service’ or some such like.
Today as I emerge from café on DMF station with my tea I look up to see the information board registering 1'3.54 to Newcastle’ change from ‘On Time’ to ‘Exp 13.56’. It’s still registering ‘Exp 13.56’ when at 13.59 the ‘13.54 to Newcastle’ disapears to be replaced by ‘14.55 to Newcastle.’ At 14.05 nothing has been announced. I call Train Information and am told that the train is delayed by fifteen minutes and is now due to leave at 13.09. My connection at Carlisle hangs in the balance. At Carlisle we pull into Platform 4, where the 14.49 to Preston -‘On Time’-is due. When the Newcastle train finally pulls out at 14.50, the screens still state ‘14.49- ‘On Time,’ as the announcement says “The train approaching Platform 4 is the 14.49 from Glasgow to Preston.” Who do they think they are kidding? We pull out a few minutes later. By Oxenholm we are running 7 minutes late.
When I go to the ticket office at Carlisle to enquire after an upgrade, I am told I’ll have to do that on the train because they can’t guarantee a seat here as they done know how many people will have upgraded. I express my surprise because I upgraded at the ticket office last time, as directed by platform staff. He looks bemused. “When was that?” “About three weeks ago..” He looks more bemused and mutters something about promotions. This means nothing to me. “ Anyway, you’ll have to buy it on the train....” This really is ‘Alice Through The Looking Glass.’ When the train pulls in there appears to be no-one in First Class at all. Still the first ‘Standard Class’ to roll into view, Coach E, is virtually empty so no need to upgrade anyway. Ahead of the game! For now...
Lancaster. The carriage suddenly fills up. 15.47- 'Preston next stop in about ten minutes'.
Preston. We have a few minutes till our connection leaves. It is on the opposite platform so skip across, grab a table seat and continue with my work.
At Crewe, slight consternation as no London train advertised then it pops up. ‘17.29 London Euston’. At 17.28, there is no sign of the train which has already been announced. At 17.29.00, the information board still says ‘On time’. I’m seriously beginning to wonder if this is how train company punctuality is calculated. In the same way that if no one has told the Team Leader at Carlisle that a train was overcrowded and passengers advised not to take it, then it wasn’t overcrowded and passengers weren’t given bad advice.
Just because you’re paranoid....
We pull out about 17.32. Where did the train start? Has it already lost time since Manchester? Or did it come from WBQ?
“Due in London Euston 19.04”
19.03 Due to arrive in one minute. Exciting isn’t it?
19.04. Not there yet.. Internet in-operative.
19.05 ‘On Time’? Phone says 19.04...
And we’ve stopped. In a tunnel. 19.06/.05. Crawling in darkness.
And here we are. At the platform...
Stopped 19.08/07
Hoo-fucking-rah
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